Chapter six.
He used to love the city.
Her chrome and glass...
her buildings painted with a hooker's blue eye shadow.
Her hills, her beaches...
her sleazy past all cast a spell on him.
But now it was over.
His romance with the city had gone the way of all the others.
The truth is, she was suffocating him--literally.
Plus, he'd had it with her insecurity about her looks.
And her constant need to have work done to herself.
Not that he was any prize.
He wrote biographies of the notorious and semi-famous.
A job where the most important words...
were usually left off the page.
There was his first book, ''Dead Parents Society''...
about the homicidal high school twins.
We ate, like, two rolls of cookie dough...
and then we shot Mom.
You're not gonna put that in the book, are you?
The part about the cookie dough?
There was the porn star.
Can we just forget about 1972 altogether?
The grandmother who strangled six men.
l'd rather you not mention the part...
where l took his jar of pennies.
And his current subject, the astronaut.
Where the hell do you come up with this steaming crap?
Uh, your journal.
l told you, mister, l had a drinking problem then.
But the drinking problem doesn't start till chapter nineteen.
Come on! l just got back from the moon.
l was getting blown every night.
His job was a freak show...
and his love life wasn't much better.
Still, he believed there was that one person out there...
who could make everything OK again.
After exhaustive research...
he was fairly sure she didn't live in Los Angeles.
Oh, l'm not gonna order anything.
l brought my oats.
By the way, did l tell you...
l'm getting back together with my old boyfriend?
l'll have the lobster and the crab.
l think you're ready to meet my doctors.
The truth is, he was never going to find anyone here.
He should have changed cities years ago...
but, no, here he was...
living in the same house with the same best friends...
with the same books.
He was never gonna break up with the city.
And then one night, she kicked him out of bed.
Uh...
Unh! Aah!
Ah. Oh.
Mom...
Susan, relax. l'm fine.
You know, you haven't asked how l am once.
Yes. l'm standing in the doorway.
-Sweetie, it was just a tremor. -Mom! Mom!
Yeah, it was a big tremor, OK.
l don't know. Three at most.
l mean, four is for, like, major shock.
That was at least a six.
Dude, l'm talkin' dosage here, not Richter scale.
All right? Bye.
Dosage. Yeah, of course.
No, Mom, you're not gonna die from a gas leak.
Why not? Because your stove is electric.
l got to go. Yeah. Bye.
You OK?
l'm above ground.
This is Donnie.
Donnie, could you go stand in that doorway over there?
Why?
Well, l've known Owen longer. l'd rather die with him.
So, who's Donnie?
My waiter at lunch.
Lunch? But it's 2:00 a.m.
You actually spent twelve hours with the same guy?
Yeah, well, it was a late lunch.
Hello?
Eileen.
No, l'm fine. How--OK.
Right now?
Yeah, l still have the keys.
OK. OK.
Was that the call?
She wants me to come over.
Oh, it was the call, all right.
The thought of going down in a quake alone...
without your soft, doughy butt to hang onto terrified her.
So then she realizes she never should have dumped you.
Hey, it wasn't a dump. lt was mutual.
l can't believe you're going to go over there...
after she dumped you.
Would you really take Eileen back?
Well...l mean, she did cheat on me.
Mm-hmm.
-And leave me. -Yeah.
And, you know, she made last year totally miserable.
Uh-huh.
But on the other hand, it takes a pretty special woman...
to make you feel that shitty, so, yeah, l might.
l'm sorry. We can't let you do that.
Dude, she's right. We're going with you.
Let's go.
l've been thinking a lot about us lately...
and we can't just keep on standing still.
l totally agree.
Yeah. l--l mean, it's been a whole year...
since we've been going out...
and l still haven't found anybody that l liked.
Me, neither. l--l think it's time we moved forward.
Oh, God. l am so glad to hear you say that.
l mean, l was sitting here tonight...
and watching the walls crack around me...
and waiting for the pool to fall through the roof...
and obliterate me...
and suddenly, it was all very clear to me.
l saw my future--the house...
the white picket fence, the kids...
but l didn't see you.
Uh, w-well, maybe l was at work.
Or the hardware store. Was it a Saturday?
l was probably out buying fertilizer.
No, no. l didn't see you...
because you're not a part of my future.
l'm sorry, but l just-- l can't meet anybody...
with you just waiting around for me.
Look, l mean, this is obviously...
just a stress reaction to a scary event...
like when your mother got remarried...
and you went out and bought a kiln.
Ohh! Owen, stop spinning this.
l'm not spinning this!
l'm simply saying that the lies and the cheating...
and the name-calling, it's made us stronger.
OK, stop it!
This is not one of your stupid biographies...
where everybody gets what they want.
l am never going to become a D.A...
and you are never going to become a novelist.
And we are never, ever going to move back to New England...
and get married. lt's over.
lt is all over.
There!
God, l feel so much better, don't you?
How could she break up with you? You weren't even going out.
l don't know what happened. l mean, she's right, though.
l am always spinning things to make them look better.
l got to face reality.
-Thai stick? -Thanks.
l mean, this city has not worked out for me. l got to get out.
Come on. You're not going anywhere.
l am. l am leaving.
Hey, honestly, man, l think you're aiming a little bit high.
Aiming high?
l'm talking about buying a ticket...
and sitting on a plane for four hours...
while somebody flies me to a new destination.
That is a beautiful theory, man...
but this city's got you by your cojones.
l mean, look at her. Ohh, she's beautiful.
You can't turn your back on that.
Stand back and watch, my friend.
OK. OK. l'm gonna show you something.
Now, you take this next left.
Historically, this town has never been easy to escape.
Even the dinosaurs had a hard time.
Dude, we live in a basin...
and by definition, a basin contains shit.
That's why there's smog.
Air can't even escape out of here.
OK, look, so it's finally over with Eileen.
l mean, look on the bright side.
The relationship was shallow, sexless, and rooted in lies.
Yeah, well, it's not just Eileen l've been lying about.
lt's every relationship l've had, every book l've written.
People hire me to write their life stories...
because l make them look better than they really are.
l lie!
And you're just now figuring this out?
No, l just can't avoid it anymore.
You can't run away from yourself, Owen.
Your whole life is here.
Yeah, well, my life and l...
have been growing apart over the years.
l mean, l've been going one way, and it's been going another.
We're getting a trial separation.
So, you're breaking up with your life?
You can't break up with your life.
You'll just come crawling right back to it.
You're right. l've got to kill it.
First, he had to say good-bye to his support group.
Well, l had a little slip.
Last night, after the earthquake...
my ex said she was never coming back to me...
and l realized that l was lying to myself...
and the people at work...
and everyone else in my life.
And so today, l've come to tell the truth.
-All right! -Good for you.
That's nice.
Last night, l got so deliriously...
rhapsodically stoned...
it was fucking fantastic.
And l realized that for all the progress...
that we make here at AA...
l mean, we might as well be getting stoned.
l mean, Keith--Keith may not be drinking...
but he sent his father another dead sparrow.
And, Joan, well, Joan is sober...
but she handed out Halloween candy naked again this year.
Anyway, take it easy.
l'm leaving town to start my new life over.
But before l do, l'm gonna blow a big, fat doob.
-Such a disgrace. -Mm-hmm.
Owen! Stop! Stop! Owen! Listen to me, will you?
Listen to me. lf you don't turn back now...
you will drive yourself over the edge!
Jack, relax. The world is round.
Next, he had to set things straight at work.
l've made some revisions...
because l feel like we need to offer...
a more complete account of events.
The most important thing is we write a book...
we can both be proud of.
Well, Shakespeare, there's two things...
l want this book to make us-- proud and money. Shoot.
''The competition for the Apollo mission...
sizzled hotter than a Houston parking lot in July.''
That's good. l like that.
''l knew the final selection would come down to politics...
''so l volunteered to pilot Senator Baldridge's plane.
''That weekend l was ordered...
''to fly some hookers to Camp David.
''The Soviets were in town...
''and Nixon wanted to make a good impression.
''The rest is history. To this day...
''l think if Brezhnev had not been sated...
''by a little Korean stripper named Susu...
''l might never have become...
the national hero that l am today.''
Just who in the fuck do you think you are?
Oh, yeah? l was gonna ask you the same question...
because you're definitely not the guy in the book!
And then came the hardest part...
the final farewell to his friends.
What does that mean, breaking up with your life?
ls that one of the twelve steps?
No, l finally got honest with myself...
and everyone else in my life.
Cool. Well, good luck, man.
Yeah.
Hey, before l go, there's something...
l always wanted to tell you.
You remember that guy on your wedding tape...
who was humping one of the caterers...
in the video greeting arbor...
and all you could see was his hairy white ass?
Oh, my God! You found out who that was?
Yeah! That was me.
-Ahem. -Ha ha!
Remember when Allison was into girls...
and you asked me to find out if she wanted to sleep with you?
Yeah. As l recall, she said l was a moped with a vagina.
Actually, she didn't say that. l did.
Heh. That was you?
Yep. Allison actually thinks you're hot.
So l could have been fucking Allison all this time?
Oh, my God!
Well, if my show's the welfare cheese of the American mind...
then what the hell's the crap you write, huh?
You talentless fuckhead!
At least my cheese doesn't stink.
Well, thanks, Blaine. l'm glad we could catch up.
Good luck to you, buddy.
What the hell was that about?
l don't know.
l've started speaking from my heart, you know?
And in about an hour, l'll have absolutely no friends left...
so there'll be less reason to come back.
Hey, man, l'm still your friend.
Yeah, l was just getting to that.
Rob, listen, you're one of my closest, dearest friends...
so l say this with true love.
Your girlfriend is a huge screaming cunt.
She's cut you off from your friends...
and made you take these anti-depressives...
that have turned you into a sad, boring ghost...
who leaves parties early and drinks out of a juice box...
and most likely sits down to piss.
Trust me. All your friends agree...
this woman has the brain of a Pilates machine...
and a heart the size of a Zoloft.
Dump her!
Hey. What's going on?
Hi! l was just telling Rob here what a cunt you are...
and how dull you've made him--
Unh!
Fuck you, Owen.
Let's go.
So long, old friend.
l'm gonna miss you.
Well, this is a nice way to say good-bye to all your friends.
Well, you can't say l wasn't honest.
Aah. At least l leave with a clear conscience.
What are you gonna do when you want to come back?
Well, that's the beauty of it. Now l can't.
Great. Great.
So, you trashed your life. For what?
Ahh.
Well, among other things...
an ex-Soviet Nobel prize-winning physicist.
l told him l'd give him his first three chapters...
for free if he hired me to write his bio.
Dear Mr. McCabe, l am most interested in your proposal.
The sooner you come to Breighton...
the sooner we can begin.
ln fact, l suggest you leave immediately...
before there is another earthquake.
L.A. is a doomed city.
Yours, Vassily Stepniak.
That's...
Wow. Ha!
So, l guess this is, uh...
this is really it.
Don't you have any final earth-shattering words for me?
Ha ha!
There are no words for you.
Mmm. Mm.
Mm. Mm. Mm!
Owen?
Owen.
Eileen's boyfriend, right?
Oh, my God. Hi. l didn't recognize you.
Yeah, well, last time you saw me...
l probably had my eyes open...
and my tongue wasn't down someone's throat.
l knew there was something different. lt's Val, right?
Yeah. And this is Max-- my boyfriend Max.
-This is Owen. -Hi.
Owen and l met at this oil spill cleanup years ago.
Ah, so you must be in Friends of the Earth, too.
No, l was just there to pick up girls.
Heh. So, how are you? Are you still with Eileen, or...
Well, Eileen and l, you know...
l mean, we decided we'd be happier, um...
lt's complicated.
l got dumped.
Oh, l'm sorry. l'm so sorry.
Hey, darling, listen, my plane's going. l got to go.
-But you have ten minutes. -Yeah.
-l'll call you. -OK.
Mmm.
-Bye. -Bye.
So, how long have you guys been together?
Oh, um, four years.
He, um, he just got this really great job in Miami...
so he's gonna try living there for a while.
Which is fine, really. l mean, we--
lt's complicated, but...
l got dumped, too.
Really? That's great.
lt's great?
Well, great, like--yeah, great. l mean, you know--l mean, l--
Max and l don't go back very far, but ''l'll call you''?
l mean, a woman like you--
you could get anyone you want, and...
You know, it's none of my business.
Do you want to get a drink?
Yeah, l could use another.
OK, OK. Now, just go out there and be honest...
because if you're honest...
and you say exactly what's on your mind...
then she'll never speak to you again...
and you can get the hell out of here.
OK. Team.
You were the best nine seconds of my entire fantasy life...
which is a lot more competitive than my normal life.
Heh. God, that's funny.
No, that's very, very sick.
No, l mean, that's funny, because, um...
l fantasized about you, too.
-Heh. -Ha!
-You did? -Mm-hmm.
Gosh, what were those like?
Um, they were just, like, your basic sordid...
wake-up-in-the-middle of-the-night-sweating...
kind of fantasies.
Hmm. Heh heh.
Oh, shit.
Are you OK?
You know, not even close.
Yeah, you know, you seem a little--l don't know--
manic-depressive or something.
Well, lucky for me, the airlines don't charge...
for excess personal baggage.
This is the final announcement for flight 505...
nonstop service to New York.
Damn. Um...that's my flight.
Oh.
OK, well, call me when you get back.
Sure.
Just walk away and praise God that you don't have her number.
Wait, Owen!
l almost forgot to give you my number. Heh.
-Thanks. -Have a great trip.
Thank you.
Hey, is this flight 505?
Yeah. We just closed the gate.
No, no. l've got to get out of here.
l have burned all my bridges in this town.
And even if l wanted to, l could never go back.
And now, because your plane was late...
well, l met a woman that l could fall in love with...
and l'm telling you...
if l don't get on this plane right now...
l might just call her. And then what?
l mean, l could be here for years.
What if the relationship works out?
Get real. lt won't.
How do you know that?
l mean, what if, by leaving now...
l'm dooming myself to a lifetime...
of shallow, failed relationships...
because l'll always be thinking about her?
Are you getting on the plane?
No, thanks.
Well, better luck next time.
Jesus! You scared the shit out of me.
Sorry. l don't know what l was thinking...
getting into my own bed like that.
OK, you can go now.
l'm really sorry. lt's just l thought you were gone...
and you have a king-size bed, so...
Stephanie, can you please hand me my underwear?
Get your own. l don't have anything on.
Well, neither do l.
Look, clear out, asshole. She's mine.
OK, Owen, what the hell happened?
Well...
l met someone.
You came back for a woman?
l know, l know. Things were going so well.
Well, who is she?
She's a friend of Eileen's.
You came back for a friend of Eileen's?
Eileen has horrible, ugly friends.
OK, she was an acquaintance.
We met a few years ago, only then, she had a boyfriend.
Then tonight, at the airport, l run into her...
and, of course, we're both single.
Oh, so she ruined your exit.
Well, l mean, l can't walk away now...
knowing she's there and available.
Otherwise, l'll just be back in three weeks.
Uhh. Do you wear a 32 Hanes?
Oh. Yeah.
So, wait, what are you gonna do? You're just gonna go on a date?
Well, l have to make sure that she's wrong for me.
You know, psychologists say it takes...
at least three months before the real you shows up.
No, no. l'm putting this on the fast track.
The real me is gonna show up the first date...
and l'm giving her the bad news right up front.
l don't want to be her friend.
l don't want children, 'cause there's already...
too many parents in the world as it is.
And l have no opinions about shoes.
Do you really expect her to go for that?
Well, there's always that chance.
l mean, who knows where or when love will strike?
l mean, l've just got to give it an honest shot.
So, l guess you'll be wanting your room back.
No, l'm booked on the red-eye tomorrow night.
Yes, Bucky, l am still in Los Angeles.
l'm just calling to tell you...
you are a great writer, Shakespeare.
You could be another Michael Crichton.
Well, we do both write about dinosaurs.
Come on, why do you hurt me like that?
l have nothing but the utmost respect for you.
What do you say to $5,000?
Bucky, listen, this is not about money.
lt's about self-respect.
l hear you. How about 7,000?
l said no! l quit! Period!
OK, fine.
You're being honest with me. l appreciate that...
because now l can be honest with you...
you stinkin' little hack!
l am a--a historical figure, God damn it!
And l'll show all you little writer faggots!
Anyone can write a book, ass-wipe!
Come on. There's no way...
you're gonna bag her on the first date.
Besides, you've never gotten laid on a first date...
in your entire life.
See, l am sick of waiting till the third date to be denied sex.
l'm just gonna say to her, ''Look, we're both adults.
''We both know why we're here, so let's have sex, tonight.''
And if that goes well...
we'll build toward a nice get-to-know-you lunch.
Maybe you should call the airport shuttle now.
l hope you don't mind my calling so soon.
Usually l'd act like l was busy and wait five days...
but l'm kind of experimenting with honesty.
Damn, l thought it was just 'cause l was hot.
-Not...entirely. -Ha ha!
l mean, for me, brains and intellectual curiosity...
count for at least three percent.
So, which car is yours?
Uh...the one with the light on top.
The taxi?
Yeah, l kind of sold my car.
Oh. OK.
So, you grew up in Glendale.
Yes, l did.
Do your parents still live there?
Oh, yes.
They're very sweet. They're just not very exciting.
And what are their names?
Roberta and George. Ha!
l'd love to meet them sometime.
Well, maybe sometime you can.
What are they doing tonight?
l don't know. Why?
Do you think they'd mind if we stopped by?
l mean, you said they didn't have much going on. l--
Ha! Why would you want to meet my parents?
Well, look, you know, we can have the same old...
how's-the-salmon first date type of night...
or we could see if there is any future for us...
and meet your family.
OK, this is insane.
ls it really? Why wait till date twelve or sixteen...
to find out if your parents hate me?
lf there's a problem, wouldn't you rather know now?
Heh. Well, they never liked Max.
You see? And where's Max now?
l mean, think of all the time we could save.
Tick, tick, tick.
Driver, we're going to Glendale.
Wait, l--
Well, we were in the neighborhood...
so we thought we'd stop by.
This is very weird, dear.
Would you like some more grape juice, Owen?
Thank you.
This is really great egg salad.
Oh. lt's the gherkins.
Now, you know Val from where?
Well, from the airport, George.
l was standing there last night...
feeling a little depressed...
doggin' a gin and peach iced tea...
when our eyes met, and it was like--
you know how dogs can smell and hear things...
that other people can't? We were like two dogs...
and there was this scent between us...
that no one else could pick up on.
Owen's a writer.
What kind of writing?
Well, l started writing short stories.
Then l moved to Los Angeles...
where l continued to build self-esteem...
by lowering expectations and co-writing autobiographies.
Oh. Any we would know?
Um, well, there's ''Dead Parents Society.''
Do you remember the twins...
who hired the Crips to kill their parents?
And then some stranglers, but mostly minor ones.
You know, son, you have a very bad attitude.
Oh, come on, Dad.
Don't get fresh, young lady.
Now, when l was a young man...
my dream was to build the first U.S. space station.
l got a job at Lockheed...
where l worked sixty-hour weeks for thirteen years...
to try and reach that dream.
And then one day, it hit me.
l was painting a new wing flap on an L-1011...
when suddenly l realized...
my dream was never gonna come true...
because dreams don't mean shit.
That's why they're called ''dreams.''
They don't ever happen.
They're just figments of the imagination...
that make people feel bad about what they do.
So, don't put yourself down for not fulfilling some dream.
Yeah, but don't you think...
you should be a little more demanding...
of the men your daughter brings home?
Well, we trust Val.
lf Val likes someone, we like him, too...
even if they're not very successful.
Mom.
Roberta and l keep telling Val...
that someone with a lot of money and ambition...
is not gonna put in the time to make as nice a home...
as a fella with average talents...
someone who's mature enough to realize...
he's not gonna change the world one jack shit.
Cheers.
Heh.
Oh, thank you, Owen.
Yeah.
l don't know what to do with Allison.
We were supposed to go to a movie...
and now she says she doesn't want to go.
The whole evening's turning into a fucking disaster.
You gotta help me out, OK?
All right, all right.
Take her to the new gallery on Melrose...
and then stop off for a miso soup at Banzai.
Thank you. So, how's it going...
with your hot little piece of ass?
Oh, not so good. Her parents seem to like me...
and she does, too. lt just--
You're never leaving. l knew you'd fag out.
No, there's still some hope.
l'm gonna show her a side of me...
that no self-respecting woman from Glendale...
will be able to tolerate.
ls this not great?
Yeah. And $2.17. Who knew?
l love buses. l mean, you know, in a city full of commuters...
where everybody's cut off from each other...
l mean, this is the only place...
we can experience life with other people.
l mean, look at this.
Nothing brings people together like a bus.
l never liked buses.
Well, they're not for everybody.
You know, it's true, though.
l mean, when you drive around in a car all day...
you never get a chance to look at anything.
But at least in a bus, you can...
really notice how beautiful the city can be.
Excuse me?
l mean, especially on a night like tonight.
You know, it's so clear.
The wind's just blowing away all that haze and crap...
and you can really see.
lt's like the unveiling of a painting or sculpture.
For some reason, a stripper comes to mind.
Oh, come on. The skyline is to die for.
And someday, it'll probably topple over...
and kill a lot of people, most likely.
Heh!
Gonna get that? lt's OK.
Owen! lt's Jack.
The Fairfax meeting starts in twenty minutes.
We're all still praying for you.
You're still an alcoholic, and your life is--
OK, take a look at this. This is what l'm talking about.
You see that building over there?
What, the Falafel Queen?
No, not the Falafel Queen. Above it. Look up.
ls that new? l don't think l've ever seen that before.
lsn't it beautiful?
lt is kind of beautiful.
l had a really nice time.
Yeah. Me, too.
Sorry. Heh.
Look, l, um, l just wanted to say that we're both adults...
and we both know why we're here--
Zeke! Come on, Zeke! Shh!
Shh, shh, shh! l'm sorry.
No, it's OK.
And we've been through this with a lot of other people, so--
Zeke! Come on!
Uh, he's--he's an only dog.
-Yeah. -Sorry.
And, l mean, l think we both know why we're here--
Just hang on one sec.
Zeke, shush.
Ha ha ha ha! This is a great--
Aww. Oh, l'm sorry.
No, it's fine. You know, it's a great dog.
Sorry! He's sorry. So sorry.
-Heh. lt's OK. -Ha!
Heh.
Now, as l was saying, um...
Thanks. Call me.
l'd invite you in, but l'm still feeling a bit vulnerable.
No, it's--
Plus, you smell like lamb kibble.
-Heh. -Ha ha!
lt's OK. Um...
Good night. Thanks again.
-Thank you. Good night. - Come on, baby.
Good night. Good night.
OK.
OK? lt's not--
Ah, how could you say ''lt's OK''? lt's not OK. lt sucks!
So, did you do her like you said you would?
No, it was a total failure.
Then why are you selling your bed?
Because l'm trying to stay positive.
We've done the parents thing.
Now it's time to meet the friends.
Owen, you don't have any friends.
Besides which, she's not dating your friends. She's dating you.
Come on, you don't date the person.
You date the package.
Friends, their family, their job.
l mean, the whole thing has got to work out.
One of my biggest problems with Eileen...
is that she hated all my friends.
She thought you and Rob were clannish and rude.
What are you doing tonight?
No. l am not gonna be a bitch to this girl...
just to make you happy.
Hey, did l say be a bitch?
Just be you.
Fuck a lot of girls on this?
l'm not selling you my mattress.
Why not? 'Cause l'm gay?
No, because you're sleeping with the woman...
l've always wanted to have sex with.
Hey, you know what?
l, uh, took her to that gallery you told me about. She loved it.
So now l'm thinking l want to buy her something.
l don't know what to get her.
l was thinking maybe a piece of hot lingerie or something.
They got those nursing bras in silk.
-You just pop the top and go. -Please, just stop.
No, seriously. Look, you gotta help me out here.
Allison and l, uh...
we're having some sexual issues, OK?
What does she like in bed?
l don't know. Breakfast.
Oh, what? Like guys don't talk about this shit all the time?
She can't keep her hands off my titties...
but l can't make her come.
There's more to it than just sex, though.
l mean, women are emotional.
-They-- -Right?
At least, most of them are.
Yes, go buy her something. That sounds fantastic.
What? Buy her what?
l don't know. A hat. A cap. Something not white.
A hat. Thank you.
Thank you. OK, uh...
so, what? A hundred bucks for the bed?
Do you not already have a bed?
l've been living at my parents'. Now l'm moving out. Here.
Fine.
So, where are you moving to?
Aw, fuck!
Heh heh.
l can't believe you gave Stephanie my room.
Actually, Rob did.
Well, you guys could've at least told me.
What difference does it make?
You knew someone was gonna move in.
-Can l ask you something? -Mm-hmm.
ls this thing with Stephanie for real?
You know me. l enjoy being worshipped.
But she's moving in.
Across the hall. We're just getting...
the sex part out of the way so we can be housemates.
Yeah, but you never got the sex out of the way with me.
You wouldn't even let me see your boobies on a French beach.
Have you even stopped to think...
about what's gonna happen to me when you're gone?
You are leaving an enormous hole in my life...
and at the moment, l'm filling it with Stephanie.
-Ha ha ha. -Anyway...
it turns out we have more in common than l thought.
She likes galleries, cheap Japanese restaurants...
just like you and me.
Well, l'm glad it's working out.
-Hey, Owen. -Hey, Owen, how you doin'?
-Who the hell is that? -Some friends from AA.
Hi! How are you guys doin'? Great!
Aren't we moving a little fast here?
No, it only seems that way because we're on Fairfax...
and everybody else is using a walker.
Heh. No, but, l mean...
isn't it a little early for me to meet your friends?
l mean, l usually don't introduce a guy to my friends...
till l'm pretty sure how things are gonna go.
Oh, l'm pretty sure how things are gonna go.
So, then Adam and Sue say, ''Are you going to Rick's wedding?''
And l say, ''What wedding?''
And they look at me like l'm a turkey...
who doesn't know it's Thanksgiving.
When are you gonna get over this whole Rick thing?
l mean, you can't blame Adam, too...
because Rick didn't tell you he was getting married.
-Who are Adam and Sue again? -Do you know Neil Lobenthal?
Um...no.
Neil was a friend of mine and Rob's.
He lived with Adam and Sue in college...
and introduced Allison to Rick, her old boyfriend.
l just can't believe l'm not invited.
All my Stanford friends are gonna be there. lt sucks.
-Are we back on Rick again? -Apparently so.
Wait a second. You went to Stanford? When did you graduate?
'97. l mean, here's the thing.
Even though l wouldn't go, l'd like to be invited.
l was '96.
l mean, you broke up with Rick seven years ago.
Exactly. Move on.
l have moved on, but l just come back for visits.
This isn't Rick Labutier by any chance, is it?
No, it's just some freak that Allison went out with.
-You know Rick? -Yeah. Heh.
Yeah, we dated junior year.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Ha ha ha!
You're not the girl that he, um, proposed to...
at his parents' Christmas party, and you said no?
Yeah, because he was screwing...
some stupid little groupie from his band.
-That would be me. -Oh.
Yeah. l'm not a big fan of yours, either.
You know, l, um, l always wanted to meet you...
so l could look you in the eye and...
thank you for saving me from such a huge jerk.
Oh, my God. Wasn't he?
Wasn't he? l mean, him and his stupid van!
-Oh, l hated that van! -And his mother?
OK, can you imagine spending every Christmas with that mother?
OK, do you remember that thing on his--
Oh, you mean the--
The--the what? What on his thing?
Wait a second, wait a second.
Did you know that friend of his--Dan?
Do you remember Dan? He was always trying to jump my bones.
Oh, God! Me, too!
As a matter of fact, he did jump my bones.
Oh, my God. You slept with Dan?
Oh, my God! Ha ha!
Wait, Dan who? Dan Monahan, or--
l always wanted to sleep with Dan...
but l was just kind of too chicken to do it.
Who the hell's Dan?
OK, you can stop wondering. l'm gonna tell you.
Oh, my God. Will you really?
Excuse me. OK, start from the beginning now.
Unbelievable. Allison actually likes her.
She does have a hell of a rack.
When you go, could l get her number?
Would that be possible?
l really liked your friends.
Yeah, they liked you a lot, too.
Of course, they were mentally raping you the entire meal.
Heh.
Whoa. Heh. l really wasn't expecting anything like this.
-Were you? -Definitely not.
Ha! l keep waiting for the catch.
The catch?
Yeah, you know, like, you're really a robot...
or you have three balls or something.
Well, negative to both...
but please don't take my word for it.
Ha ha! Seriously. l, um...
l really feel like this could go somewhere.
lnside would be nice.
Heh. Look, l mean, the thing is...
l just--l just came off a really bad breakup, you know?
And l wasn't really looking for another relationship.
Perfect.
Until the last couple of days.
l guess l just think we should take things slow, you know?
Otherwise, it's just gonna be one of those rebound flings...
that just go down in flames, do you know what l mean?
Yes, l totally agree.
Right. Mm...mm... what l'm saying is--
Hey, hey, hey!
l say l want to take things slow, and you grab my ass?
l was disagreeing with you.
Well, thank you. l appreciate your enthusiasm...
but l'm not ready. l want to wait.
Why? Why is waiting a good idea when it comes to men and women?
Because when it comes to everything else, waiting stinks.
l mean, my whole life, l've been waiting...
for things that never came--
Santa Claus, the Police reunion tour...
the right time to quit my job...
phone calls from friends when my dad died.
Waiting is death, and l'm just not gonna do it anymore.
Well, then maybe you should move on...
'cause l don't think this is gonna work.
Ahh! Shit!
Ah! Come on!
Hey. Dude, come here.
Sorry, l'm not in the mood for a cuddle.
Look, she loved the hat. Came like a freight train.
What now? She wants to go away somewhere.
Do you know any nice walks?
Rock Springs Ranch. Out past Yucca Valley.
lt's in the desert, but it's got a nice breeze...
like you're in Cascais.
Hi.
You want a waffle?
Uhh.
Shouldn't you be, uh, having sex right now?
Actually, l think l'd be on to the cigarette...
or the embarrassing silence by this point.
Hmm. What happened?
You know...
she's not ready, take time, wants to make it special.
Too bad. She seemed like she was OK.
Yeah. For a minute there, l thought l met someone...
who could make it all good again.
Wow. One of those.
When was the last time you met someone like that?
Been a while. You?
Ah. l don't think they really exist.
Good night.
Yeah, well, maybe it's just as well you're getting out of town.
l mean, wait till you see the e-mail...
that Grant and Nancy sent me.
What e-mail?
Check out that ass.
Well, does it look fat or anything?
Well, l mean, you could've shaved for the occasion.
Well, fuck, how many people did they send this to?
A few friends. lt-- OK, everybody we know.
Aw, cheer up. Want some ''X'' For the plane ride?
l don't need it anymore, now that l'm in a relationship.
Waah-ha-hoo! You are doing it.
-Yes! -You are really leaving.
Yeah, four days, nine ex-friends, and one job later...
l'm getting out.
Yes, you are. Yes!
Damn it!
Hey, come out and meet me at the Venice meeting.
You can probably get here in time for the serenity prayer.
God, Goddess, Grace...
Prayer Father, Holy Mother, Source Energy.
-All right, where were we? -You were doing it.
Right. Right!
Thy will, not mine, be done.
No, my will, not thine. l'm getting out.
You're doing it, man! You're doing it!
Fuck you, city! You can suck on it!
-Yeah! -Suck on it!
Yeah!
l'm not coming back.
You can go fuck yourself, you big dickwad.
-Owen? -Val?
-Hi. -Hi.
l'm sorry. Are you in the middle of something?
Um, well, actually, at the end.
Well, l was just calling...
because l was thinking about what you said last night...
and, um...
how we're not supposed to go through life waiting.
You know what? Don't give that another thought.
Obviously, l was drunk, and l was horny...
and l was groveling at the chance...
to do filthy, shameful things to you.
Fortunately, you--you saw through...
my sad little diatribe, and you sent me packing.
No, actually, l was calling to say you were right.
No.
No?
-No way, no way. That's great. -What?
Just one question-- why would you think that?
Well, l've just been doing a lot of thinking about it...
about Max and how that never went anywhere.
And l just--l really like you.
Oh.
Are you free tonight?
Sure.
OK, l'll pick you up at 7:00.
OK, bye.
Don't tell me. U-turn?
Well, if living here doesn't get you depressed, nothing will.
l'm sorry, but that goddamned fucking phone call...
just made me feel so happy.
l hate this!
You done?
Face it--you're gonna be here for a while.
No. No, no, no.
Look, you put this relationship on the fast track.
You met the parents, introduced her to your friends...
insisted that she have sex with you almost immediately...
and for some reason she still likes you.
What else do you need to know?
That l can trust her.
Oh, right.
Well, then l suggest you get your ass back to the house...
eat some shit with your friends, and get your job back...
because that, my darling, is going to take time.
l--l just need one more day. l--
What are you going to do, hook her up to a lie detector?
Rory Riseman's having a party. l'm going to take her.
Rory Riseman is a drunken venal creep.
l thought you slept with him.
Well, he gets me hot.
See? Exactly. l mean...
he's hit on every girl l've ever dated here.
So what? He tries to sleep with everybody.
l don't hate him for trying. l hate him for succeeding.
Dude, what the hell are you doing?
l can see you.
Val's coming over...
and she doesn't know l don't live here anymore.
Look, man, phone call.
Get the rest of your shit out of here.
-Hello? -Shakespeare?
Bucky, what the fuck do you want?
l drink seven cups of coffee a day.
l sit at my desk and put commas in.
l take commas out.
Writing is very, very hard.
You want the truth, Shakespeare? l'll tell you the truth.
l need money.
lt seems that l took a shine...
to a lovely young lady sometime back--
a professional, if you will.
She was costing me eight grand a month.
l went through everything, and then she left me.
You're kidding me. A hooker only loved you for your money?
Shakespeare, you're--you're delightful.
My wife doesn't have a clue. l--l remortgaged my house.
Now l owe people--big people.
They want the book.
Hey!
They will fuck you up.
Well, they better hurry, because l don't even live here anymore.
Extra, extra, read all about it
-Wow, this is nice. -Yeah.
Dave? Dave, it's me, Lucy.
Dave, it's so good to see you.
Hey, Fuck face, what are you doing here?
You know, l always wanted to call you that...
Fuck face. Fuck face, Fuck face!
OK, tell me you didn't sleep with her.
Even l couldn't get that drunk.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
Dude! Nice butt.
Rory.
Come on, man. You're famous now.
-Oh! -At least your ass is, huh?
Wait a minute. That--that's you up there?
l really don't see a resemblance. Do you?
Oh ho ho!
We were at this terrible wedding years ago.
He gets drunk. Does the caterer in the video arbor...
only the tape's running.
The next morning, bride and groom are watching...
their little treasured wedding memories on video...
when suddenly his hairy ass comes on-screen...
just a-humpin' away.
Ha ha. Oh, my God. That is you. Wow.
Well, l've toned a lot since then. l--in my opinion.
l'm Rory, by the way.
-Oh. -Oh.
-Hi, l'm Val. -Sorry.
God, you look familiar or something.
Oh, yeah. Maybe this will jog your memory.
Coming up, we got Gin Blossoms, Box, Blind Melon, Silverchair.
Plus, the new video from Belly and an exclusive extra--
Kennedy interviews the guys in Candlebox.
Oh, my God. You're Rory, who used to be on MTV.
-Yeah, yeah. -Wow.
Oh, man, l love doing that to people, man.
Ask him about the shampoo commercial.
His hair is apparently amazing.
Well, actually, l just finished a novel.
Oh.
About the rise and fall of a VJ.
Well, Kelly Ripa has a book club.
Actually, l just sold it to Random House.
What?
Dude, that's what the party's for.
Are you smoking crack right now? Come on, man.
Congratulations. That's fantastic.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
You know, actually, l got some advance copies downstairs.
Fuck it. l'll sign one for you if you want.
Sure. Thanks. Great.
-Right on. -Come on.
Fuck it. l--sorry. Really, l'm OK. Let's just go home.
Would you stop being like an idiot? He's your friend, OK?
Let's just go home. lt's fine.
-Ohh. Just two minutes, OK? -l'm fine. Thank you.
Here you go.
Oh, my God. That was another earthquake.
Did you feel that? Did you feel that earthquake?
We just had an earthquake.
l haven't felt anything since Tuesday.
lt's not a tremor. That is an earthquake.
lt's just like the one that they had here last week.
Look, l'm just trying to make some points.
l'm not myself tonight.
-Oh, God! -Did you feel that?
-Yes, l felt that. -OK.
OK, now, that was for real. l was not making that one up.
OK, that was--that was not my imagination.
-l know. -OK, OK.
All right. OK. We're having an earthquake.
l think the--look.
-Oh, God. -Did you feel that?
-l felt it. l felt it. -He felt it. He felt it, too!
We're going to die! This is an earthquake!
-This is an earthquake? -What?
We're going to die!
Let's get out of here!
Ha ha ha!
Come back here! Sissy dude, l paid you two grand, man.
Get your ass back in there. Cut that shit.
Come on. Hey. No, no, no. No. Come on.
-Ow! Stop pushing! -Ow, my foot!
Forget it! Leave it!
There you are. l've been looking all over for you.
l knew this night was going to end badly.
What--what do you mean?
How was your book signing? Was it totally awesome?
Are you mad at me?
l was just trying to make an effort with your friend.
l know. Rory's amazing. He's really incredible.
lt only took him twenty minutes to get your number.
My--what are you talking about? l didn't give him my number.
Val, l saw you.
Are you kidding me?
Just so you know, it wasn't my number--it was my shrink's.
The guy's a mess.
And you know what else?
l didn't even want to come here, you know?
l thought we might go out to dinner...
the two of us--you know, talk?
But, no, you drag me to this lame party...
where l don't know anyone.
l don't see you, and l spend my night...
smiling and nodding to some ex-VJ with manorexia.
And you're down here convincing yourself...
that l'm cheating on you?
l mean, are we even dating?
Wait, where are you going?
l'm going home. Take the bus. You like the bus.
No matter what you do
l've given up on you
No matter what you say
l'm leaving you today
Hey.
Can we talk?
You got a fax.
Dear Mr. McCabe, l am sorry l cannot honor your request...
to work from Los Angeles.
You must make a choice.
Like the atom, a man split in two parts...
unleashes uncontrollable chaos and deconstruction.
The man does make a good point.
There's only one problem. Val passed the Rory test.
She chose you over Rory?
l know. l was shocked.
l thought that was what you wanted.
No. l wanted her to be some shallow selfless nut...
l could walk away from without any guilt...
and of course she turned out to be...
some beautiful, charming, loyal woman. Why?
You know, l'll still respect you if you decide to stay.
Yeah, but me and all your friends...
we'll just think you're a big pussy.
l mean, there's just a few more things...
l need to know, and l just--
What? You've done the Rory test...
the parents test, the best friends test.
What other tests are there?
Sex. l mean, not to mention...
the ''can l spend a weekend alone with this person'' test.
Of course, that's all contingent...
on her passing the forgiveness test...
because right now she hates me.
Well, talk about plans for the weekend.
l mean, l'm supposed to go with her...
to some animal rights thing tonight...
only she's not calling me back.
So, what are you going to do?
Go anyway. l mean, if we click back on...
l'll invite her to spend a weekend with me...
at Rock Springs Ranch.
lt's this place out in the desert...
but it's got a breeze like you're in Cascais.
And by Sunday, hopefully, l'll know.
Rock Springs Ranch--isn't that where you wanted to go?
Uh, no, l don't think so.
Yeah, no, l remember.
You described it the exact same way, like Cascais.
Well, maybe l heard it from Stephanie. l--
You've been to Cascais, yeah?
-Stephanie? -What?
Have you been to Cascais?
-Uh-huh. Yeah. -Oh. When?
Uh, the--the bike trip l took to France.
Well, that's funny. Cascais is in Portugal.
Fine. lt was Owen's idea.
Listen, l was just trying to give her...
some pointers on what you're into. lt--
Oh, really? Like you would know.
Hey, thanks to me...
your one week anniversary present was that hat...
and not an autographed Raiders helmet.
Oh, fuck you.
Great. This is great. So, um, it was all you--
the trip, the gallery, the hat.
This whole relationship is a lie.
No. l like you. Owen was helping me.
l'm sorry. lt...
l mean, you were one of the only reasons...
l was staying in L.A...
and l knew that if you were with someone else...
l wouldn't be able to stick around and watch that.
Well, l guess you were wrong.
You never even left the area code.
-Wait, l can explain. -l--l...
Allison!
Well, a gift of just $2,000...
will provide an operating room for spaying and neutering...
so anything you could give would be wonderful.
Well, we did want to do something...
-to commemorate Ronnie. -Oh.
He bit a three-year-old in the face--really did a job.
-He didn't mean it. -Judge made us put him down.
Well, maybe--maybe you'd like...
to buy a commemorative plaque for Ronnie in our new building.
l think Ronnie--
Excuse me for one moment.
What are you doing here?
Look, l wanted to say that l was sorry about last night.
OK, Owen, l can't do this right now.
l have two hours to raise twenty grand, OK?
Can you just go, please?
Look, l want to be here for you.
Hey, what the hell are you doing here?
Oh, Mr. Brandt, hi! Welcome. Nice to see you.
-You know this guy? -Um...
l was about to make a donation. What about you?
Oh, l'd be happy to contribute...
as soon as this little prick finishes my friggin' book.
-Excuse me? -What about five hundred bucks?
Five hundred bucks? Screw that, mister.
l've got bigger worries than Chihuahuas fucking in east L.A.
Besides, l'm not contributing 2 cents to some crap charity...
that's got your name on its guest list.
Get me my goddamn pages.
What was that about?
Actually, no. You know what? l don't want to know.
l saw the cutest little puppy...
at that adoption center on Laurel Canyon--
Bucky. Oh, Mrs. Brandt, it's really nice to see you.
Listen, you forgot to sign your pledge card.
lt's $2,000. lt's, uh, very generous.
-Excuse us. -Ha ha.
You little runt.
Go shove this pledge up your girlfriend's ass.
lt's still a lot cheaper than what your wife would cost.
l'm sure her version of Christmas, 197 4...
is a little different from yours.
l think the journal entry went something like...
''When everyone was singing Joy to the World...
''l was banging Suzie Shapiro on my workbench.
''She was an oversexed little hottie of a J.A.P...
and why she was dating my son l'll never know.''
Hey, mister, you signed a confidentiality agreement.
l will sue your ass.
l got news for you, Bucky-- you can't touch me.
You can't lean on my friends, because l don't have any.
You can't stake out my house, because l don't live anywhere.
You can't fuck my career, because l already did.
You can't call my cell phone, because l don't have one...
and you can't bring me down, because l've already jumped.
And the only question left is...
do l bring you down with me or not?
No. Please. Look, l can go a couple of hundred bucks...
but that's it. l am cleaned out.
Well, you better get your friends out there...
to start writing checks.
You got till dessert.
l was thinking about all the dogs...
that have been gassed in L.A. over the years...
and it occurred to me that we're all kind of stray dogs...
on this lonely planet.
So, l'm asking you to join me in showing our love...
not only for these poor homeless mutts...
but for each other.
Please, give generously.
l know l will.
ls the bar still open?
-Do you have a valet ticket? -We'd better get going, honey.
My throat's dry. l want to go.
A candy-colored clown they call the sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
''Go to sleep, everything is all right''
l close my eyes
Then l drift away
lnto the magic night
l softly say
A silent prayer
Like dreamers do
Then l fall asleep to dream
My dreams of you...
-Hi. -Hey.
Look, l don't know what you said to Bucky Brandt...
but whatever it was, it worked.
l mean, l didn't even think...
anybody was listening to the guy...
and now l'm $4,000 over my goal, so...thank you.
You saved me.
l'm just happy it worked out.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah. Love to. Heh.
Only in dreams
ln beautiful dreams
-Heh. -Heh.
Do you do this professionally?
l do. l'm a professional circus freak makeup artist.
-Ha ha. -Ha ha ha!
Mmm. l just need a little more right here.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, God, l think that the, um...
the water is not cold enough to make Jell-o. Ha ha ha ha!
-lt was an inspired idea. -Thank you.
-Here, you want that? -Ah! Ow! Ow!
-Wait, wait, wait. -Shit!
-Use that. -Ow.
Ha ha ha! Wait, l don't know--
-Ha ha ha. -Ha ha ha!
You...come here.
Mm. Mmm.
OK.
-Want that now? -Mm-hmm.
All right.
-Heh. -Ha ha ha ha!
Hi.
lsn't sex great?
Yeah. l was a little worried, though...
because usually, if you're with somebody...
who's funny and caring and nice, the sex is gonna be...
-Really shitty. -Pretty terrible.
Ha ha ha ha!
Listen, there's something l always wanted to tell you.
Yeah?
-No. Come here. -What?
Come here. Let's just go back to where we were.
Wait, wait, wait.
-Mm-mmm. -Mmm.
-Uh-huh. -Mm-mmm.
Wait a minute. Ha ha ha! Wait.
l want to hear what you were gonna tell me.
What was it?
OK, what if l say it first?
Come here.
l love you.
Oh. OK. Heh.
l love you, too.
Hello?
Hey, it's me.
Um, we really need to talk, so can you come over?
OK.
l'll be back around 6:00.
-Having fun with Val? -Yeah.
Bye.
Mmm.
-Thank you. -Good night.
-l'm gonna call...you...later. -OK. Ha ha ha!
OK, bye.
Hey, Val.
Eileen! Oh, my God. How are you?
l'm great. Um, l hope l'm not too late.
The drive from Laurel Canyon was just terrible.
Heh. Late...for what?
Um...
Heh.
Allison. Allison?
What the hell is this?
Don't get mad. We're here because we want to help you.
l'm sorry. l thought l made myself clear...
when l said, ''Go fuck yourself.''
Hey, hey, hey, hey. lt's not just Jack.
We're all here at this intervention...
because we're worried.
lntervention? What, like-- like l'm some drug addict?
No, no, no. That's not it.
We did an intervention for my mom...
when she tried to kill herself.
Joan, your mother did kill herself.
Eventually...yes.
And thank you for bringing that up, Mr. Shithead!
Oh, God!
Joan, Joan--see?
This is exactly what we're talking about.
-You're out of control. -You're crying out for help!
-You're over the edge. -You used to be so pleasant.
You're such an asshole.
Jesus. What the hell are you doing here?
Oh, you're dating one of my friends...
and you don't even have the balls to tell me about it?
-Owen? -Val.
-What's going on here? -Listen--
Owen's friends and l called for an intervention.
What?
He's pissed on all his friends. He needs help.
We just wanted to talk to him before he leaves.
Leaves? You're leaving?
Face it, Owen. You're not gonna have a support group...
when you're at Breighton.
Breighton? What--what is he talking about?
You didn't even tell her?
-Tell me what? -Listen, l--
Uh...l got offered a job.
Oh, you are a wee little man.
A what? What are you even doing here?
She's a friend. And she loves you.
Listen, will you get out of my house?
Dude, it's not your house. You don't live here.
Great. You don't even live here.
No, l do. Would you listen to me?
Just forget it, Owen... if that really is your name.
ls there any--wait!
Wait. Can you wait a second?
Can l at least explain my side of it?
You knew l was coming off a bad relationship.
l don't--how could you just lie to me?
Listen, l needed to find out if it was real or not.
l mean, they say that it takes three months of dating...
before a person reveals their worst qualities.
Well, l didn't have three months...
so l showed you all my worst qualities in a week.
So, all this time, you've been trying to test this?
No, not test it, tank it.
But even l can't screw this up.
Wow.
l don't want to lose you.
You--you-- Come to Jersey with me.
lf you have so much faith in us, why don't you stay?
Because l can't go back in there, all right?
My life here is over. lt was all a big lie...
so l burned it to the ground...
and the only thing that l have left...
is this tiny shard of self-respect...
and if l don't get out of here, then l'm gonna lose that, too.
l think you already have.
l...
Hey, Holmes.
-Come here. -Ohh!
Ohh...
Oh. Ohh.
Uhh.
Ohh.
Hi. You got to help me out.
These guys really want their goddamn money.
l tried writing the ending myself.
Could you just take a look at pages 188 to 301?
Chapter twenty-two is a fuckin' snore.
Ohh.
We
Ohh.
Walked for hours
lt seems she didn't like
That day
So we paint the picture gray
l don't want truth, l just want her
The chance has come
Professor, at last. lt's really an honor to see you again.
Welcome, my friend. l see you finally made it, huh?
But not without a good L.A. beating, huh?
Now, are you actually from Los Angeles?
Um, no. The east coast, but l moved there seven years ago.
l thought it might be a good place to write.
So did Faulkner, Huxley, and Didion.
They left bitter, creatively impotent.
Well, at least it was creatively.
Do you miss it?
Um, it was fun while it lasted.
Yeah, you sleep with L.A. You don't marry her.
Well, he didn't, did he?
Hi. For Stephanie, press star two.
For Allison, leave a message after the beep.
ldiot.
l really enjoyed the first three chapters.
They are funny, but also disturbing and violent.
Now, an intro. Uh...
Where's my Nana?
l don't know. For some reason, she wasn't mentioned...
in the U.N. summit address.
Oh, forget summit.
Here, we'll put a story about my Nana beating my ass black.
But l thought we were going to focus...
on the roles of physics and social responsibility.
Nobody cares about the physics.
They want pain, suffering, and victory.
But this is your chance to rewrite history...
and finally tell the truth.
lf l wanted to write history, why would l hire you?
Excuse me?
l hire you because you sell.
Now, chapter one.
Professor, l...
You know, l--l don't think l can do this.
Why not?
Well, because l came here...
to write the truth about your life...
no matter how difficult that may be.
l am a historical figure, God damn it.
You write what l say to write.
Now...
forget about this whole...
Here we tell the story...
about alcoholic violin teacher and Doris, her little spaniel.
Hello?
Hi.
Where are you?
Hi.
Look, l, um...
l know your new life probably doesn't like it...
when your ex-life shows up uninvited, but...
l was in the city, and l wanted to stop by and say hi.
So, hi.
No, no, l'm really glad you did.
What are you doing here anyways?
lnterviewing for some teaching jobs overseas.
You're kidding. You're leaving L.A.?
Well, my interview at the lnternational lnstitute...
didn't go so well.
How's Stephanie?
We broke up.
Really?
What--what happened?
Well, l, um...
l--l realized that the things l liked about her...
weren't hers, they were yours.
You know, what you did to me was really shitty.
Well, if it's any consolation...
your little intervention left me pretty shattered.
So, l guess we're even.
OK.
Have you heard anything from Val?
Not a word. You?
She's moving to London.
What?
She got a job with an animal rights group, three year gig.
There's a--
There's a going away party for her, actually.
l'm throwing it.
We kind of became friends, so...
Oh, that's great. You know, that's...
l mean, l can't believe she doesn't even tell me...
that she's leaving the country for three years.
l mean, nothing--not even a--a text message, you know?
''Changing continents. l hope you're doing well.''
Look, if you've been thinking about it that much...
maybe--maybe you should go back and tell her.
Forget about it.
God, you know, you always do this, Owen.
You wait and you wait, and then you wonder why you miss out.
Come on, l did that once-- with Eileen.
And us.
Yeah.
Yeah, l always thought we'd end up together.
l wonder what happened.
Well, l think we were saving it for a rainy day--
only it's L.A.
lt never rains.
That morning began like any other.
l walked into the office, took a sip of coffee...
and started reading the writer's latest chapters.
lt was then that it hit me. He was gone.
And at that moment, l realized...
what the writer had already figured out.
l had a brilliant mind, but l was a morally bankrupt...
greedy little man whose entire personal life...
was nothing more than one boring seventy-two-year-long fart.
Well, this truly is a fine piece of verse, my friend.
You've made this explorer proud.
Can you please call off your thugs now?
Ha ha. Done, amigo.
l just hope you're not still feeling dirty...
and cheapened by this.
Bucky, let's face it.
This is the literary equivalent of syphilis.
Ha ha. Well, of course you feel that way now.
You're a young man.
As you grow older, you're going to find...
that all those feelings of guilt and fear of moral retribution...
all that shit we learned as kids, it all disappears.
Gradually, we heal.
How can you say that...
when your lack of morality almost cost you your home...
your family, everything good in your life.
OK, so l did a few bad things, but the book came out perfect.
l paid my debt. l even made twenty grand.
lt really is a wonderful life.
Thank you.
Owen?
-Hi. -Hi.
-What are you doing here? -l just got off a plane.
So, here you are.
-l am. -Oh.
And l was thinking about what you said.
Look who's back. Hey, stranger.
Jack.
Hi. Allison, Jack. Jack, Allison.
Hey, there.
l'm going to talk to you later.
OK.
Jack, l'm sorry for being such a jerk.
Um, l know that you and everyone in the group...
were just trying to do what's good for me...
and l apologize for being such a prick about everything.
Don't worry about it. Not a problem.
No, seriously. l owe you a--
lt's OK. l mean...
l honestly haven't given it a second thought.
l'm not in AA anymore.
You're kidding me. Why? What happened?
lt's all a load of shit.
The same depressing people every week--l had to get out.
Me and a few guys from the group...
we went in on a vineyard.
Anyway, nice to see you.
lt was nice seeing you.
Look, l am really sorry...
that things didn't work out with you and Allison, but we--
l am really sorry about that wedding video.
l mean, it was tasteless and offensive...
and you guys really got me back by sending out that MPEG.
l mean, practically everyone here has seen my ass.
So, what do you say?
OK.
l'm so sorry that l used the ''C'' word.
lt wasn't about you. lt was me.
Hey, man, welcome back.
Thanks.
l see you finally spoke to Susan.
Yeah. l guess it's official. l'm off the Christmas card list.
Yeah, man, don't worry about it. You were never on it.
Well, that's fine, if that's the way you want it to be.
Oh, it is. l don't ever want to see...
any of my friends talking to her again.
What?
You were right, man. We broke up. Tch. Fuck it.
l started asking my friends what they thought about her...
and no one liked her.
Then l realized l've become a different person...
ever since l started dating her...
only no one wanted to tell me-- except you.
Thanks, man.
Well, the pleasure was not mine.
-Hey. -Can you believe it?
Ahh. My boy is back.
Yeah. Ha ha.
Let's get something to drink.
Fuckin' juice box.
-Come on. -Yeah.
As l was saying outside, l, um--
Dude, there she is.
Now, this is your shot. Don't be a pussy.
lt's a great plan, so l'm really, really--
-Will you excuse me for a second? -Yeah, yeah.
-Owen, hi. -Hi.
-Oh, God. -Oh, God.
l thought you were back east. What are you doing here?
There was a problem with the book.
l mean, the guy turned out to be a complete and utter hack...
and l, uh, l made a big mistake.
l'm sorry.
Anyway, l--l hear you're moving to London.
-Yeah. -Wow.
l've never been out of the country.
l mean, Alaska doesn't count.
Besides, l've just been feeling like l need a change, you know?
Oh.
You know, t-there's something l wanted to tell you...
before it's too late.
Look, Owen, maybe we can talk about this some other time.
No, l--l really need to say it now.
OK. Ahem.
l'm sorry.
l'm sorry for everything.
Thank you.
l just--l just wanted to put that out there...
before you took off.
Thanks.
So, what are you going to do now?
-l'm starting a book. -Yeah?
-A novel. -Wow.
l'll bet you write something great.
We'll see.
Anyway, it--it's good to see you.
-You, too. -Thanks for coming.
Take care of yourself, OK?
You take care of you, too.
So, did you get her back?
No.
What? What happened?
l apologized, and she said OK.
Oh, my God. Owen, you are such a fucking pussy.
Hey, l don't have to explain myself to you.
l just--l can't believe you came all the way back here...
to get her back, and you folded.
-No, l didn't. -Meow, meow, meow.
l came back for you.
What?
l want to be with you.
l...
When did this happen?
l--sometime between the first day we met...
and last Tuesday at the Newark airport.
-Aw, shit. God damn it, Owen. -What?
l got the job, and l'm leaving for China next week.
Jesus Christ!
l mean, you're the one who said L.A. was giving you...
frontal lobe cirrhosis.
l probably wouldn't have even thought of it...
if it wasn't for you.
Well, l'm glad l could help.
Well, it's only six months.
Yeah, but, you know, you're going to go out there...
you're going to meet other people.
You may never come back here.
l'll come back.
l will. l'll come back.
Where are you going to be?
l'll be here.
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